


42

by Lewkash



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 01:19:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13559628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewkash/pseuds/Lewkash
Summary: The boys notice something off with Chan, they confront him about it. Does it help?





	42

“What did one dry fish say to the other?” asked Felix, looking at Changbin with anticipation. Stone faced as always, Changbin replies; “You’re late and these are your first words?” Felix sighed, “Just answer me, please.” “I don’t know Felix, what did the dry fish say to the other?” Changbin still looking at Felix with no emotion. “…Long time no sea.” Felix burst out laughing at himself. Changbin couldn’t help but giggle a little but quickly returned to his usual ‘dark concept’, before anyone noticed. “I wish I could just stuff you into the smallest of the Matryoshka dolls and put all the others over so I never have to see or hear your dumb jokes again.” Changbin threatened. Felix put his hands up over his head and ran to the other side of the practice room, screaming.

“Calm your nonexistent tits, Felix.” Chan said from behind him. “Just because you’re my aussie buddy doesn’t mean you get special treatment when you show up almost an hour late.”

“Ok guys, we need another go on Yayaya. Find your positions!” Chan was a strict but fun leader. He’s just strict so he gets the best out of the boys’ abilities because he knows it’ll reward them in the end. He can be just as goofy so practice is never boring.

They practiced three different choreos during the whole day. They had fun so the day passed quickly, but Chan being Chan, he felt the need to stay back when the others went to the dorms. Perfecting the current tracks he was working on, until ungodly hours into the night. Well, morning more correctly.

The clock struck 4AM as Chan woke up on his keyboard in the practice room. Only source illuminating him, and a little of the room was the light from his laptop. He checked the clock and let out a low growl in frustration. “Why do I keep doing this shit?” he thought to himself. “It’s not worth it.” He closed the computer and exited the practice room. He walked out of the awful building he has grown so tired off. It used to bring him so much joy, now it’s the exact opposite. Not that anything brings him joy anyway. Winter was closing in and he could feel that his hoodie was far from enough to keep him warm. Freezing, he walked in a faster pace than usual.

It was still dark out, no sign of the sun yet. His mind started drifting “I wish someone could be drunk off their face, speeding down this road and just drive over me. That’d be real nice.” Taking a deep breath, regretting it as soon as the cold hit his nose even harder. He kept walking, listening to the weird sounds the night had to offer. Sounds varying from the blasting music of a party a few blocks away, to the meowing from two cats fighting in an alley, to the sound of crickets in the flowerbeds by his side.

He reached the dorm, slowly opening the door to make as little noise as possible. He took off his shoes and dragged his feet against the floor. Too exhausted to lift them properly. He stopped as he passed the mirror in the dimly lit hallway. He sighed and turned around to look at himself.

He felt dead. He even looked dead with the dark blue circles under his eyes from never sleeping, and the paleness of his skin from never going outside. Damn, he even wished he was dead. Chan sighed as he hated the sight he was met with in the mirror. He even hated what the mirror couldn’t reflect. He fucking hated his personality. His opinions, his beliefs, his feelings, his carelessness. Just everything, his existence was full of hatred toward itself. It was starting to get ridiculous, and pointless. Oh, so pointless. Why did anything matter at all? Did anything matter at all? To him, nothing really did. He was 100% sure everyone despised him, pretending to be nice to him because that’s what decent humans do. He’s even surprised that his friends and members tolerate him at all. If he loathes himself, they must too. Right? They can’t possibly love him when he’s so broken. He’s so worthless it’s not even funny

He didn’t want to disturb the others since he was sharing the dormroom with Minho and Woojin, so he found himself on one of the couches in the living room. He had done this many times prior, but this time felt different. There was an odd feeling, lurking, like someone was there. He felt uncomfortable so he sat up. To his surprise he was met with two familiar faces, sitting on the other couch. He could barely tell who they were due to the dimly lit place. “Yo what the fuck? Why are you here? You should be asleep.” He started dumbfounded, but ended on a more angry tone.

“Because we need to talk dude.” It was Felix. Chan was confused, what do they need to talk about that’s so important they can’t even sleep at 4.30 in the morning? “Can’t it wait for tomorrow? It’s 4.30 in the damn morning and you’re making me lose even more sleep by doing this shit.” His voice became louder, yet sounding so slow. Basically shouting at them and most likely waking up the rest of the dorm as well. “No-“ Changbin spoke, “This is important, even if you don’t realize it.” He was calm. The two boys in front of Chan sat there so calmly, no emotion on their faces. While Chan himself was furious, not really understanding why himself.

“Fine. Shoot.” Chan realized he couldn`t get out of this one, even if he was the leader.

“We’re worried about you.” Felix stated, worry visible on his face. “You’re what? Why? There’s no need to worry about me.” His statement sounding more like a question. “Are you sure? Are you really alright? Be honest.” Felix looked him dead in the eyes. He stared him down for what seemed like forever until Chan couldn’t take it anymore.

“No.”

The leader broke. His wall of pretend, crumbling down in an instant. “I’m not okay. Don’t ask me what is wrong because fuck, I don’t even know myself.” His eyes watering, finally breaking after keeping cold for over three years with these feelings. He put his head in his hands, hiding his face from the others.

It broke them just as much, seeing their leader so vulnerable.

Chan didn`t notice, but 6 other people had joined them around the living room at this early morning. They were all silent. Watching the scene in front of them like it was a nightmare. Felix’ face broke too. It hurt like hell seeing his leader, and best friend suffering. Not knowing the reason, not knowing how to help. After many minutes of just silence, and the choking sounds of crying, Chan rubbed his eyes before looking up. “It`s just… Everything is so hard. I work my ass off to make it the best for you guys. Putting all of you as my 1. Priority. I fucking hate myself on top of that. I`m a bad leader, bad friend, bad person.” He stared at the floor.

“No Chan. Don’t… don’t say that. Please. You don’t mean that, you’re just a bit exhausted… right?” Jisung wanted comfort or just someone to conform that this was just a bad dream or a really fucked up prank. He wanted to be reassured that this was all fake. This cannot be real.

They needed to support Chan. The members, his friends, his brothers- needed to support him. They needed to make him feel loved, trusted, needed. They didn`t know how, they just needed to keep him positive. “No. It’s not just because I’m exhausted. This is the truth guys… it’s just, I’ve been thinking lately. Thinking about my life, is it better if I die? I feel like I just ruin your lives, like I`m in the way all the time. Worthless, useless. Waste of space. I feel like a failure as a leader, like I let you all down. It was my damn fault two of you got eliminated, because I fucking suck at my one responsibility. I feel so empty. Nothing makes sense, nothing has any real meaning. Why do we live? What’s the purpose? I can’t seem to find it apparently. Stuck in this endless routine of doing my job horribly.” He just spilled all his feelings, it hit him like a bullet. 

“Don’t give up, hyung.” Mumbled Jeongin. Chan looked at the younger, fear in his eyes. It broke Chan even more, seeing how scared the precious maknae looked. “What if I already did?” His honesty spoke before him. The youngest couldn’t bare listening anymore so he barged into his room, Woojin following closely to try and calm him. Reassure him that everything will be ok, that their leader just has a bad day and that it’ll pass.

“It hurts, you know? Seeing you thinking so low off yourself. You’re so much more. You are talented as heck and you are a great leader, the best. You have done nothing to let us down ever. And don’t you dare blame yourself for mine and Minho’s elimination. That was us slightly fucking up and JYP being the snake he is. You are worth it, ok? We love you. We will get you through this. It’ll all be ok.” Felix stood up after his little speech, he walked over to his best friend and hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go in fear of what he’ll do if he does.

“I suck at trying to comfort but uh.. think about your own song. ‘Blessings wait for you’, that means you too.” Changbin made an attempt to be reassuring. He got easily uncomfortable when others showed more feelings than normal, especially since he rarely shows anything himself.

“Bullshit.” Was all he got as an answer. It was so sudden that Felix jumped away and sat up beside him instead.

“But you need to be strong! You’re the only one capable to lead this team, you’re the one keeping us all together.” Felix sounded desperate. He didn’t want to sound worried, he wanted to sound calm and reassuring. “I can’t.”

The silence returned, more awkward this time. Most of the boys retreated to their rooms, not able to handle all the sudden emotion. “I just want to go to sleep.” Chan blurted to the remaining people. “That’s understandable. We should get the two hours of sleep we have left until we need to return to Hell.” Felix agreed, believing Chan meant the literal meaning. Which he did, but also didn’t. Felix gave him a last comforting hug, followed by one from Jisung and Changbin too. It made him feel a little better, right in the moment at least. “Goodnight!” he shouted in a shaky voice. He got a few “nights” in return from the others. He could go back to his bedroom and sleep in his bed, but he didn’t feel like moving. He put his legs up and turned his back against the room, so he was facing the couch. “What does life mean?” He mumbled to himself.

He genuinely tried to fall asleep, to hopefully wake up in a better mood tomorrow. He couldn’t. The overwhelming feeling of worthlessness returned. The members told him lots off stuff, trying to comfort him with compliments. Lies. They were all lies. Chan knew they were lies because they were just being nice, not wanting to tolerate Chans attention seeking selfishness for much longer. He kept laying there, thinking for a little over an hour.

He couldn’t deal with it anymore. He stood up from the couch and headed to the bathroom. He used his phone as the light source, he opened the familiar cabinet and reached for the bottle of pills he had reached for too many times already. He tucked it in the pocket of his hoodie.

He couldn`t just leave. He had to write something. He went to the kitchen because they always had pens and paper there, for when they needed to remember things. He also grabbed a water bottle. “Am I really doing this?” He thought to himself. Yes, yes you are Chan. This is the last good thing you can do for them, for everyone and for yourself.

“This is the best thing to do. I wish I could say I’m sorry but I’m not.” Was all he managed to scramble down on the piece of paper. He took the note in his pocket as well, not caring if it got crumbled.

He opened the door and was met with the cold breeze of the early morning, and an orange sky due to the sun starting to peek u through the mountains in the distance. He was about to close the door when someone called for him.

“Chan, why are you leaving already? We usually don’t leave before half an hour?” It was Hyunjin.

“Oh, I didn’t really eat much yesterday so I’m getting myself a proper breakfast for once.” Chan tried his best to give a real smile after his response.

Hyunjin could see that it wasn’t genuine, he could easily see that that was not Chans real smile. Something was off and he needed to know what.

“Are you sure?” He shouted after him as the leader continued walking away.

“Yeah.” Was all he got in return although it was barely audible.

Hyunjin closed the door. Maybe the leader wanted to try to get better after yesterday’s talk, actually eating a proper breakfast to get well fed for the day they had ahead.

Chan continued walking. He didn’t really know where to, yet. He looked up and around. Up at the orange sky, at the few birds flying around and chirping happy tunes, at the passing traffic and the tall buildings.

Tall buildings.

He found a building that had stairs going to the roof. Perfect. He climbed them. The heavy ball in his chest loosening its grip the higher up on the building he got. He reached the top, the breeze of the morning hitting him harder than it did down on the ground. He took out the bottle of pills, shook them for a reason he didn’t know. He emptied half of the bottle’s contents in his other hand and chugged them down. Taking a huge gulp of water from the bottle he brought. He emptied the rest of the pills and repeated his process. “If the ground doesn’t do it, this hopefully will.”

He put the crumbled piece of paper on the floor of the roof and the water bottle on top of it so it wouldn’t fly away, not that it mattered anyway. He walked closer to the edge. He suddenly felt like crying, not really understanding why. This is what he wanted wasn’t it?

No, it wasn’t.

He stepped up on the edge, looking down. The wind strong at this altitude, making his balance shaky. The asphalt below, never looked softer than it did now. Tears were falling freely out of his own will, but he was smiling. Not a fake smile, a real smile. For the first time in many years. He started laughing, funny how simple the solution was, yet he had suffered through so many years, why hadn’t he done this sooner? Sparing everyone and himself ome suffering.

Finally. It will be over. Everything will end and peace will return.

He took a step closer to the edge, the tips of his shoes reaching outside the building.

A photo memory of his members, brothers, flashed before his eyes.

No.

They are why he hadn’t done this. They mean to much to him.

This was wrong. He couldn’t do this. He needed to be there for them.

Flustered from the sudden thoughts he started to lose balance.

He fell forward.

“I don’t want to die.”

He can’t leave them, but it was too late.


End file.
